Should I date someone who isn’t of my faith?
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I’ve recently connected to my faith more, and although I’m so content and know it’s better for my life, I’m wondering what dating will look like now. Should I date someone who isn’t of my faith? How do I explain my comfort with certain dating things due to my beliefs?
Thank you for your thoughtful question, as Iâm sure itâs a popular one for many people. Iâm glad that you have found such a deep connection to your faith, and I can definitely understand how it may play a large role in your dating life.
Your question reminds me of the age-old dating advice that instructs us to consider the traits we value most in a future partner. Generally, we all want someone honest, kind, loyal, and trustworthy. I point this out because, ultimately, whatâs most important to you will likely be your values and whatever else you deem non-negotiable.
“Instead, ask yourself, âWhat are my non-negotiables?â Take a moment to write them down and any associated values that come to mind.”
Rather than asking, âShould I date someone who isnât of my faith?â try reframing the question. Instead, ask yourself, âWhat are my non-negotiables?â
Take a moment to write these down and any associated values that come to mind (because, in so many religions and backgrounds, many values are the sameâthey are just described differently). Is it vital that your partner attends religious services or celebrates specific holidays with you? Is raising a future family with your religion important, or are you open to a life of mixed faiths and beliefs? Figuring out these non-negotiables first will save you lots of time and energy.
When you do begin dating and/or are exploring a longer-term commitment, consider setting aside time early on to discuss any needs extending from your beliefs. For example, I grew up as a vegetarian due to my familyâs religion, but my fiancĂŠ eats meat. Many of his familyâs important cultural moments are centered around meat. When we first began dating, it was easier because the meat wasnât inside my home as we were only eating together on dates. But once we moved in together, we had to have a longer conversation about navigating our dietary differences.
“When you do begin a longer-term commitment, consider setting aside time early on to discuss any needs extending from your beliefs.”
Today, my fiancĂŠ and I have the shared understanding that I will not touch or handle meat and he will do his best to minimize cooking it around me. In addition, he is a vegetarian two days a week to better understand my experience (his prerogative, which I appreciate). Weâve also decided that, should we have children, theyâll be raised without meat until theyâre old enough to make that decision for themselves. So, while my story isnât the same as having different faiths, it is centered around my non-negotiables and learning how to navigate these with a partner.
“A strong relationship is centered around compromise. While you will have your non-negotiables, your partner will inevitably have theirs.”
If thereâs anything Iâve learned in my six-year (and counting) relationship, itâs that a strong relationship is centered around compromise. While you will have your non-negotiables, your partner will inevitably have theirs, and the outcome should be jointly decided. It wasnât ideal for me to have meat in my house, but I also love my partner and didnât think itâd be fair to ban it outright. So we found a middle ground we could both accept and work around. This may be possible with differing faiths, too, as long as you and your partner are willing to compromise. Of course, if they (or you) believe that any one faith is better or âmore importantâ than another, then that should absolutely be a discussion point early on.
Another point, which I recently reflected on with a friend because weâre both dating âoutsideâ our familyâs religions, is that the world may think that what youâre doing is âwrong,â especially if itâs not the norm to date outside oneâs faith. Ultimately, it will be up to you to decide whatâs best, perhaps despite any external judgment that someone may have. Iâm sure it was a shock for some in my community to see me with a non-Jain, non-Indian man, but it was more important for me to build a life with my partner than to throw away a meaningful relationship because of what others thought.
“It was more important for me to build a life with my partner than to throw [it] away because of what others thought.”
At the end of the day, if your partner truly loves and cares for you, then theyâll likely accept and respect your decisions as they relate to faith and vice versa. Whether itâs abstinence, holding off on moving in together, dietary lifestyles, or any other relationship aspect, you should never be put in a compromising position where your values and life decisions are at odds. Hopefully, theyâll be committed to supporting you and your relationship, whatever youâve both decided it to be.
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Henah Velez (she/her) is a Staff Writer at The Good Trade. In addition to her work here, Henah is the Development and Communications Manager at She’s the First, a nonprofit fighting for a world where every girl chooses her own future. Based out of New York City, you can usually find Henah roaming around Jersey City’s small businesses, hanging with her pets, or traveling as much as possible.