I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks of their high school self and cringes, or who wants to send a formal memo to everyone who knew me and tell them to politely disregard pretty much everything they saw or heard during those four years. And nothing is more embarrassing to me than how I acted when I had a crush. My apologies to every person I had a crush on in high school.

“My apologies to every person I had a crush on in high school.”

It wasn’t like the movies. I wasn’t stumbling over my words or blushing at the opportunity to speak to them. In fact, my crushes were defined by the fact that I hardly ever spoke to them, interacted with them, or even found myself in the same room as them for too long — and in a boarding school of 370 people, that’s quite a feat.

Instead, my crushes were these intense, solitary fixations. I ruminated on their perceived perfection and imagined how I would feel if they showed me an ounce of reciprocity. Then, like a switch turning off, I would just … get over it (usually to move on to my next crush). When I looked back at my recent fixation and tried to explain it, I couldn’t. With the veneer of obsession lifted, I realized I didn’t even like them. But, in the moment, my feelings felt so real and intense.

“My crushes were these intense, solitary fixations.”

I haven’t experienced obsessive crushes like those since high school. Chalk it up to hormones, teen angst, and watching too many romantic dramas. It wasn’t until years later that I came across the term limerence and those memories came flooding back to me. And now, thanks to a viral TikTok by creator Danielle Walter, limerence has entered the dating lexicon. 

Walter, addressing her video to “fellow anxious attachment girlies,” described limerence as an “unhealthy obsession or infatuation without the facts.” This disregard of who the person (called the limerent object) is in favor of what they represent to you is a key part of limerence. And it is what distinguishes it from a healthy crush. As Walter explains, it’s common amongst people with anxious attachment styles or other manifestations of anxiety, or even depression, but anyone can experience limerence.

“This disregard of who the person is in favor of what they represent to you is a key part of limerence.”

Now that the term has received the TikTok treatment, limerence is often being used to speak about a strong crush. So, how can you tell the difference? And, if you’re experiencing limerence, how can you find a healthy way to move forward?

What is limerence? (Isn’t it just…yearning?)

If you’re asking yourself, Wait…have all my crushes been limerence? It’s not that simple.

Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book “Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love,” limerence is defined as “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person.”

It’s a psychological term defined by uncertainty and intense rumination that increases the desire for reciprocation. Put simply, you know it’s limerence if you’re trapped in a constant cycle where you crave their attention — but need the uncertainty to keep the intensity alive. I like to think of the uncertainty as possibility. You want to believe something is possible, so you avoid anything that will prove to you that it’s not.

“You know it’s limerence if you’re trapped in a constant cycle where you crave their attention — but need the uncertainty to keep the intensity alive.”

Further research on Tennov’s original concept even proposed a model of limerence that compared it to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and substance use disorder (SUD), before determining that it is its own unique condition. Yet, in extreme cases, individuals experiencing limerence may meet diagnostic criteria for OCD if their intrusive thoughts and compulsive rituals cause significant distress and disruption to their lives.

Limerence is also more common in people with depression, anxiety, OCD, or who are experiencing PTSD. People with anxious attachment or who experienced childhood neglect — or even complex PTSD (c-PTSD), which is trauma sustained over a long period of time, as related to a neglectful childhood — are also prone to limerence.

Anna Runkle (aka the “Crappy Childhood Fairy”) is an author and coach focused on educating about the effects of c-PTSD. She identifies one’s upbringing as a huge determiner of how likely you are to experience limerence. “Neglect in childhood is a huge risk factor for developing limerence later,” she says. “If you suffer from romantic obsession — you can’t stop longing for someone, you’re thinking about them all the time, your life, and your emotions are kind of chained to this fantasy of being with them someday — there’s a very good chance that when you were a small child, you didn’t get your emotional needs met.”

Runkle also identifies the abandonment wound as another reason people might experience limerence. “One of the self-defeating behaviors that’s common for people who grew up with abuse and neglect is the way we pursue and bond with and stay with unavailable people,” she says. “When you find yourself in love with someone who doesn’t love you or who can’t love you properly, it can be a psychological trap.”

“When you find yourself in love with someone who doesn’t love you or who can’t love you properly, it can be a psychological trap.”

–Anna Runkle, author and coach

While some people seek relationships with unavailable partners, people experiencing limerence often aren’t seeking the connection of a relationship. Instead, they channel that desire into a limerence object, fueled by uncertainty and longing rather than any real reciprocity.

But anyone can experience limerence. Even if it’s not tied to greater psychological wounds, a limerent period can sneak up on anyone. When I was in high school, my feelings of obsession were rooted in my desire to focus on anything — anyone — outside of myself. I turned to limerent objects because it was a safe way to curl up inside my pain instead of actually addressing it.

“Even if it’s not tied to greater psychological wounds, a limerent period can sneak up on anyone.”

A crush, however, is supposed to be fun. I remember the first time a friend told me: “I love having crushes — they’re so fun. I have three right now.” I was astounded. Was she just a Sagittarius, or had I been going about the whole thing the wrong way? Confusing limerent periods with crushes had scared me away from my own desire altogether. I didn’t want to experience the uncontrollable obsession I was used to or the fall that came after. But the intensity I was afraid of isn’t usually associated with crushes, even if they’re unrequited.

A crush is a healthy manifestation of desire. When you have a crush, you crave reciprocity from that person, yes, but you also endeavor to learn more about them and to be part of their lives in a real, substantive way. 

“A crush is a healthy manifestation of desire.”

According to Nicole Colantoni, a trauma-informed dating and relationship coach: “The key difference between limerence and a crush is its intensity and impact on your life. A crush is generally a less extreme, more fleeting admiration or infatuation that doesn’t significantly interfere with personal responsibilities or emotional health.”

Though we’ve all been fed the “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep” version of romance by popular culture, healthy crushes need not be that way. We might have a crush at work or school or in our neighborhood, but they shouldn’t keep us from living our lives.

Is limerence so bad?

When a crush takes a turn to the limerent, it can keep you from living your life to the fullest. “You can recognize that a crush has turned unhealthy when it starts to affect your daily life negatively,” says Colantoni. “Signs include persistent distress, disruption to your daily responsibilities, or engaging in out-of-character behaviors such as excessive monitoring of the person or making irrational decisions to make contact or attract their attention.”

“When a crush takes a turn to the limerent, it can keep you from living your life to the fullest.”

Where limerence keeps you from being yourself, a crush should make you more yourself. Just like a healthy relationship, a healthy crush should help you get in touch with the best parts of yourself and even reveal new parts of yourself.

Research proves that a healthy crush can be a confidence boost — one psychologist has even called them a “soul boost.” They can activate our imaginations and give us important insight into what we need, and might be missing, in our other relationships. They can make us more inspired, creative — no wonder there’s so much art and media about them — and more excited to go about our lives.

I heard once that we should take a crush as an opportunity to lean into the dream that comes with the crush — even if we don’t end up with the person we’re crushing on. For example, if you have a crush on someone who’s a chef and your fantasies about them include the two of you cooking together, take a cooking class. Even your celeb crushes might come with a more personal dream. Dreaming about having an “A Star Is Born” moment with your favorite singer? Sign up for a local open mic or just get your friends together to do karaoke.

“We should take a crush as an opportunity to lean into the dream that comes with the crush — even if we don’t end up with the person we’re crushing on.”

This might not get rid of your crush, and if it’s a healthy crush, you might not need or want to. But it’s a fun way to use up the excess energy that often comes with a crush and get you in touch with the person you fantasize about being in your imagined scenarios.

Limerence, however, doesn’t come with illuminating opportunities for self-fulfillment. Instead, you might feel alienated from yourself and from the limerent object. The distance that keeps you trapped in the limerence cycle also detaches you from yourself. Consumed with thoughts about the other person, you neglect your own needs, wants, and personhood. Left long enough, you can even experience low self–esteem based on the lack of reciprocity or the feeling that you don’t deserve attention from someone you have become so infatuated with.

How to heal from limerence

According to Tennov’s original book, limerence can end in one of three ways: Consummation, starvation, and transference. Consummation leads to engaging in a relationship with the limerent object that often causes the obsession to dissipate (because you are confronted with the reality of the person and no longer have that supply of uncertainty or possibility). Starvation in this context is the lack of attention or reciprocity which can lead to deep feelings of despair. And transference is moving from one limerent object to the next.

“Leaving behind limerence is about focusing inward instead of obsessing on someone outside of yourself.”

But there is another way out. Leaving behind limerence is about focusing inward instead of obsessing on someone outside of yourself. It is a matter of addressing your own needs — whether that be loneliness or anxiety or depression.

In intense cases, research has shown that ERP therapy — a behavioral therapy similar to exposure therapy — might work by creating distance from the limerence object and preventing the ability to engage in any counterproductive rituals and attempts to self-soothe. But for most people, healing from limerence is much simpler. It is about connecting back to yourself.

“For most people, healing from limerence is much simpler. It is about connecting back to yourself.”

If you were Very Online with any sort of proclivity for romance in the early 2010s, you probably came across Heather Havrilesky’s viral Ask Polly response to a submission titled: “Help, I’m The Loneliest Person In The World!”

Havrilesky’s tough love threw open the door for so many of us lonely online girls determined to make life, and love, difficult for ourselves. “You’re addicted to loneliness and desperation. It’s the strongest emotion you’ve ever known, so your subconscious tells you that it’s your destiny.”

Her advice on how to get out of a cycle of obsession and self-neglect might resonate with anyone experiencing limerence. “You MUST break this fixation on love as the cure to all of your ills,” emphasizes Havrilesky. 

Limerence compels us to turn our energy outward. Our obsessions keep us from living our own lives because we imagine the person we’re fixated on can save us from it. But really, we are keeping ourselves from being the people we want to be by imagining we can only be them if we have that person.

“Our obsessions keep us from living our own lives because we imagine the person we’re fixated on can save us from it.”

As Havrilesky wrote, “The central challenge in your life is not finding people who will support you and love you. The central challenge in your life is you finding a way to give yourself support and love. You need to shift your concentration away from this imaginary hole in your life, and shift it towards bigger projects that will feed and sustain you over the course of a lifetime.”

Committing to ourselves and our own happiness is its own Big Question. It’s a lifelong pursuit — much more difficult than having fantasies of someone taking all your troubles away. But it’s a worthy pursuit that will lead to a deeper relationship with yourself. And once you’re out of the limerence cycle, you won’t believe how fun it is to have a healthy, low-stakes crush. Turns out, my Sagittarius friend was onto something after all.

Langa Chinyoka is a Contributing Editor at The Good Trade. She is a writer and strategist based in Los Angeles.