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What are some ways to deepen communication in a friendship? For example, not just asking, “How are you?” or “How’s your day going” but truly making those you care about feel seen and heard.

First, I want to applaud you for asking this question. It’s clear to me that you care deeply about the people in your life, and that you want to be a better friend, resource, or confidant for them. And that’s pretty special. Given everything currently happening in the world, most of us don’t have the emotional energy to take that extra step. The fact that you’re asking and attempting to do so is admirable—and it makes me want to be friends with you, too!

“I would recommend starting by asking yourself how you’d want a friend to connect with you. What makes you feel most seen and heard?”

No two friendships are alike, and so there probably isn’t a “one size fits all” approach you can take. But for the sake of tangible advice here, I would recommend starting by asking yourself how you’d want a friend to connect with you. What makes you feel most seen and heard? Is it when someone asks about your pets or significant other? Is it when they reach out during a big day or milestone, like when you start a new job? Or maybe it’s the friend who regularly checks in?

If you’re unsure, I’d take some time to journal and reminisce on memories that made you feel special or friendships you’ve especially savored and why. (It can even be about a dream connection that you’d like to have one day!) Alternatively, you could take some time to learn about your love languages—these are the five most common ways we communicate our care and affection. They can be tailored to our romantic relationships, and extend to family, friends, and even our children.

Once you’ve discovered your top love languages (use this free quiz), ask your friends about the ways they feel most loved and cared for. Or if asking directly feels like an uncomfortable starting point, mimic the love languages you prefer and see how they respond. Adapt from there.

“How can I show my friend that I am truly present and there to listen, not just to respond?”

For myself, words of affirmation, gift-giving, and quality time are huge; nothing makes me feel as seen as getting a sentimental present or being given specific advice or praise. I try to reciprocate that with others: When I’m chatting with a friend, I try to give them my undivided attention. And non-verbal communication is vital here, too: I put my phone away, I nod and make eye contact to acknowledge I’m listening, and I try not to center myself in the conversation. How can I show my friend that I am truly present and there to listen, not just to respond?

I also prioritize asking friends more thoughtful questions, like how their families are doing or what kinds of emotions they’ve experienced recently. I like to refer to previous conversations as a way of showing that I care and remember what they’ve shared with me. Being specific in this way helps; it moves you past the surface-level “how are you?” questions and demonstrates that you empathize with someone else’s emotions, challenges, or experiences.

“I like to refer to previous conversations as a way of showing that I care and remember what they’ve shared with me.”

Here are some other specific “everyday” questions you could ask:

  • How is work (or school, volunteering, etc.)? Are you feeling fulfilled?

  • How have recent events made you feel? Do you want to talk about it?

  • I remember you were recently feeling XYZ about a situation; has that changed for you? Is there any way I can support you in navigating it?

  • Do you have any new media recommendations? I’d love to know of a book (or movie, podcast, etc.) that you enjoyed and why!

  • How is your friend who just had a baby? How about your father-in-law? Or that professor you loved who just faced a tremendous loss? (You get the idea!)

  • For even more mindful conversation starters, check out this list.

And remember, depending on your/their love languages, engaging conversations may not be the only way to deepen your friendship! But this is a good starting point, especially when we can’t be together as much nowadays.

Lastly, friendships are two-way streets and ongoing work. While you’re asking this question of yourself, you can also think about how you can ask this of others. How can they make you feel seen and heard? Hopefully, you can individually approach your closest friends to navigate what this can look like for that specific relationship. Over time, you’ll learn to adapt to the ebb and flow of one another’s needs or circumstances.

As long as you’re open, communicative, and thoughtful, you can deepen your friendships in ways that will serve you both for years (decades, even!) to come.

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Henah Velez (she/her) is a Staff Writer at The Good Trade. In addition to her work here, Henah is the Development and Communications Manager at She’s the First, a nonprofit fighting for a world where every girl chooses her own future. Based out of New York City, you can usually find Henah roaming around Jersey City’s small businesses, hanging with her pets, or traveling as much as possible.