I sat in the pew of the large church at my parochial school, waiting to enter the confessional for the first time. My heart was pounding, butterflies filled my stomach. I felt dizzy and I struggled to think of sins to tell the priest. Should I say I got mad at my sister… I forgot to make my bed… I didn’t eat all my vegetables? I was an innocent, naive 7-year-old being forced to walk into a little dark closet where I would confess sins to a priest and he would absolve me, acting as God, and give me a set of prayers for my penance. I attended Catholic school for 12 years and confession never got easier. It always filled me with dread.

“I attended Catholic school for 12 years and confession never got easier. It always filled me with dread.”

Throughout my childhood, I was curious about other religions and spiritual paths. I recall driving on Highway 1 through Big Sur and as we passed a sign that said Esalen, my Mom would say, “That’s where the hippies go.” About 30 years later, I began attending workshops there.

I’ve attended about seven workshops at Esalen, which embraced many spiritual and healing modalities including mindfulness meditations, sound baths, Gestalt therapy, ecstatic dancing, chanting, and art therapy. I also attended several day retreats at Spirit Rock in Marin and they involved walking meditations, guided imagery meditations, and talks by spiritual leaders. I have learned something from all of the workshops I have attended, but I definitely take a realistic approach to what is presented to me. I’m a pragmatic person and I rarely drink all of the Kool-Aid presented to me at any given spiritual workshop. I just take sips of the Kool-Aid; I only hold onto information that I feel is valuable and functional for my life.

Travel experiences have also increased my spiritual awareness. When I was 28, I traveled in Australia for six months, and I met a British woman who invited me to a monastery called the Blue Mountains Meditation Centre, tucked away in the mountains near Sydney. At that time in my life meditating was very difficult for me, but the monastery was beautiful and I stayed there for three days. The retreat involved chanting and very long meditations, which I found very challenging. I often left to go on walks, and I was scolded once for skipping a meditation to take a nap. I traveled to Israel with my mother in 1999 and was fascinated to witness Christianity, Judaism, and Islam co-existing in Jerusalem. The most spiritually moving sites for me were, not Christian, but iconic Jewish landmarks, the Western Wall (Wailing Wall), and the Masada.

“The retreat involved chanting and very long meditations, which I found very challenging. I often left to go on walks, and I was scolded once for skipping a meditation to take a nap.”

I’ve also attended the Unitarian Universalist Church, and I do find value in their philosophy and approach, yet, I find myself not wanting to participate in organized religion. Still, I do consider myself spiritual. I have a deep relationship with God that developed and strengthened over many years as I worked on my relationship with myself. It’s just that I often resented being forced into practicing religion. Attending parochial schools squashed my creative spirits, and I always felt like an outsider. I didn’t feel spiritually safe in the Catholic Church — the fear of sinning, experiencing guilt and shame, and all the repercussions were felt deeply in my heart and in my body. 

In parochial school, Catholicism was the backbone of our education. We memorized prayers, attended mass, and were expected to conform. Questioning our faith or thinking outside the box was not allowed. In fifth grade, I recall questioning some rules of Catholicism and the Spanish nun teaching our class silenced me and said, “God is, God was, and God always will be.” Everything was black and white and a fear of the wrath of God was instilled in me. Refrain from sinning or you will go to hell. I had recurring nightmares about the devil and sinning when I was a young girl.

Leaving Catholicism was a long process. In high school, I tried to stop going to mass, but my mom said, “As long as you live under my roof, you will go to mass on Sundays.” So I continued going to mass on Sundays but still questioned whether Catholicism was my spiritual path. I began reading books about what some might consider “New Age” spirituality and learning about other philosophies such as Buddhism and Sufism. I also listened to holistic practitioners and guided meditations in an effort to calm my stress and anxiety.

“Leaving Catholicism was a long process.”

Finally, at age 23, I stopped attending mass on Sundays. I even declared to my family members that I was no longer Catholic. I initially felt guilty on Sundays, but after a few months, those feelings dissipated. The sky didn’t fall and I was safe. The letting go and shedding of Catholicism helped me attain a sense of freedom and a new sense of self. I embrace the spiritual knowledge I have acquired through all of my experiences — and I will keep exploring and searching for the rest of my life, holding on to the practices and philosophies that speak to me and serve my life’s purpose.

Looking back now, attending mass every Sunday and on holy days, and praying before meals and at bedtime was an essential element of our family unit. My parents made large sacrifices to send all 5 of their children to parochial schools. It was a labor of love, even if the consequences were steep. Now at age 54, I am letting go of my resentment of Catholicism. I realize now that my parents wanted to instill us with the ethics and morals that defined their lives and I am deeply grateful for their efforts. I did benefit from Catholicism. I understand the consequences of my actions, I am highly disciplined, I hold myself accountable, and I have a sense of morality and ethics that are unwavering.

“I realize now that my parents wanted to instill us with the ethics and morals that defined their lives and I am deeply grateful for their efforts.”

It is this moral sense that caused me to spurn the patriarchal and archaic structure of Catholicism from my life. Women are not allowed to be in meaningful leadership roles. Only men are allowed to be in the upper echelons of church leadership. The church has a history of violence, corruption, and abuse of power towards women, children, and men — all of which are an affront to my moral code. And so I have moved on with my life without the constraints of organized religion, using some of the very tools I learned from it. 

I find that the deepest spiritual awakenings in my life have occurred when I am in service to others. I have experienced this spiritual growth as a hospice volunteer, when teaching special education students, and caregiving for my grandparents and parents in their final days on earth. I also feel close to spirit when hiking or swimming and when engrossed in a creative project.

My resentment towards the church shifted after the death of my mother in 2022. At 52, both of my parents were deceased — my father died over 20 years earlier in 1995 — and I’ve spent the last two years grieving both of them and reflecting on my childhood. From my current vantage point, I appreciate my parents’ sacrifices and I recognize the positive values I gained from Catholicism. I also realize that harboring resentment only hurts me, so releasing that negativity has opened my heart.

“Harboring resentment only hurts me, so releasing that negativity has opened my heart.”

When I think of a higher power now, I feel comforted, loved, and safe. I am no longer the terrified little girl dreading entering the confessional. I believe all spiritual practices are valid and that we are all seeking divine assistance from the same higher power. We are all just walking on different spiritual paths and seeking the same outcome: A deep relationship with a higher power that allows us to trust in the universe and ourselves, live in peace, practice kindness to our fellow humans, and share our gifts with our community.

Stefanie Vallejo Monahan is a special education teacher in San Luis Obispo County, CA. She has a BA in Journalism and a MA in Special Education. She enjoys spending time in nature, travel, organic foods and creative endeavors. She is the proud aunt of 6 nieces and 3 nephews.